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I’m like, “Y’all think that’s okay to say to some that you really…” Just, it’s kind of mind-blowing. So I love this book for that as well, to be able to take care of yourself in a really healthy way while we are living in this modern society where there are so many inputs, you know, that you’re choosing to participate in. But, yeah, so I’ll stop there and see if there’s anything you want to add. Marie Forleo: In this episode of MarieTV, we do have some adult language. So if you have little ones around, grab your headphones now. Terri Cole: Why is this so hard? When we’re boundary disasters though, someone else’s no can feel very devastating.
So there’s two things that I always see happen. One, is that every person is like, “I literally can’t wait to get a bullhorn and tell everyone like, there’s a new boundary sheriff in town. Everything is going to change. I’m not doing this anymore.” They want to literally have a conversation with everyone. I was like, “Okay, how about we have no conversations, not like that because it almost is discharging the anxiety that you feel about changing the dance, right?” We’re unilaterally changing our relationship, relationship dances, and that brings up anxiety. And, yes, hopefully goes along with liking to do some of the same things. But I just have seen this as a phenomenon, that compliance and compatibility can be easily mistaken for the same thing, but your level of satisfaction in the relationship will be a dead giveaway as to whether you might be confusing compliance with compatibility. Because if you feel empty and you’re not really satisfied, that might be what’s happening.In Boundary Boss, psychotherapist Terri Cole reveals a specific set of skills that can help you stop abandoning yourself for the sake of others (without guilt or drama) and get empowered to consciously take control of every aspect of your emotional, spiritual, physical, personal, and professional life. I knew that I wanted to feel lit up, not trapped in these golden handcuffs of a life.” – Terri Cole Show Notes:
Since becoming a Boundary Boss is a process, Cole also offers actionable strategies, scripts, and techniques that can be used in the moment, whenever you need them. You will learn: Terri Cole: I don’t think it is. And, and what’s wrong with having a friggin preference? Knowing your preferences, your desires, and your deal-breakers, literally, that is what makes you uniquely you. So where did we get it in our minds that if we are to share our preferences that we’re burdening another person or that there’s something wrong with us? So, compatibility, is actually getting along, talking about real things, compromising, meeting in the middle, having respect for each other, having effective communication, all of those things? That’s real compatibility. Marie Forleo: “I’m telling you how I feel. I’m not asking for your opinion.” It’s very direct. It’s very straight. It’s very to the point. And obviously, I would be able to deliver, as you would, as anyone would who’s watching right now, you can deliver that with fire or you can deliver that with a feeling of love. It also strengthens your ability to stay grounded in this present moment, which minimizes concerns about the future or a preoccupation with the past. Your real presence energizes any part of your life you decide to focus it on.When you draw a boundary, you have to really look in and it’s like I guide you through this in the book of like, top-of-mind, at the end of the chapters like this thing, like think about this. Why do you feel guilty? Do you not understand what your boundary rights are and your rights in general? I have that right in the front of the book is like your Boundary Boss bill of rights. How your unique “Boundary Blueprint” is unconsciously driving your boundary behaviors, and strategies to redesign it
I’m sharing my personal story to becoming a boundary boss™ (and how you can too!) in this episode. It includes working with supermodels, being diagnosed with cancer, and more.Terri Cole: It’s like, people feel, women in particular, feel like if their partner says, “You shouldn’t feel that way,” or, “That’s like ridiculous,” or, “That’s not what I’ve said,” or, “I didn’t mean that,” you know, “That’s not the way that I meant it,” or, “I’m not going to do the thing you just asked me because it doesn’t make sense to me. I don’t get it.” Marie Forleo: So, Terri, I think Marie spoke into what a lot of us can feel from time to time. So for Marie or anyone else watching who feels the same way she does, what do you say? How do we start to peel into this? Marie Forleo: Terri, you are awesome. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for the gift of this incredible book in the world and your work for decades now. You are just a gem. So, thanks for sharing with us today. And I’m so excited for all you watching to get your hands on Boundary Boss because it will change your life. My biggest problem with boundaries is giving certain people what they want and then resenting them for not allowing me with an opportunity to say no to them. Terri Cole says, "You have an obligation to yourself that no one gets beyond the velvet rope without your express permission" which is fair and true but my problems are rigid boundaries. People do get beyond the velvet rope I have set, I cannot control people and then I feel like I've betrayed myself or am a "weak" personality which is what led to this boundary breach. The reality is this doesn't make me weak rather I need to develop a more accepting and flexible attitude by not expecting people to constantly meet my needs, or there wont be peace in my inner-self or in my relationships. When your boundary is violated, reflect on these two questions: (1) who do you become when you let the other person cross your boundary? Did you become 4-year old you? (2) who does the other person remind you of? (2) Does the other person who does not respect your boundary remind you of your mom, your sister from childhood? Perhaps you are in this mental cycle that leads you to a repeat boundary violation pattern.